Anyone in possession of eyes, ears or even a semi-conscious state can’t escape learning of some new report each month detailing the evils of automobiles and their noxious fumes. I say: Shut up. We’re all going to croak eventually, so let’s not stress over a few toxins here and there when there are such marvelous delights to be had inside and near our automobiles. Below, a few of life’s sweet pleasures we couldn’t enjoy without cars:
Five reasons why I’ll take the Apocalypse over New Year’s Eve.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!” Perhaps R.E.M. front man Michael Stipe was looking on the bright side of the apocalypse: No more New Year’s Eves! As 2011 draws to a close, and apparently the end is nigh, it’s comforting to know that humanity can rally around two constants: pizza is delicious and New Years Eve is the worst. Here are five reasons why the end of the world beats celebrating New Year’s Eve:
It’s your stomach’s favorite secular holiday where hedonism is on the menu. With all that pie for your pie hole and couch time for your big belly, what could go wrong? Nothing, provided you have Gina’s Thanksgiving quick reference guide to help you navigate a few common pitfalls the Pilgrims didn’t anticipate.
What’s not to love about the High Holidays, other than having to see your weird Uncle Morty, who has sweaty palms and smells like mothballs? The shofar’s heralding a new year and, of course, fasting. Who doesn’t giddily crave going 25 long, delirious hours without delicious, delicious food? Can’t we just send God an Edible Arrangement, and call it good?
Think you can skip this year since you didn’t transgress? Think again, friends. Gina has compiled a list of sins you might have forgotten about. If any of the following apply to you, which surely one does, perhaps you should consider doing that fast after all.
The Fourth of July is nigh, which means it’s the season for pounding back hot dogs, boozing on boats and celebrating the spirit of Independence Day by dumping your crappy boyfriend (or girlfriend) and rolling solo.
Still, it can be difficult to put the kibosh on a dead relationship, especially when the other person is really good at mowing the lawn — and you get anxiety at the thought of dating again.
Everyone knows the kind of person who opposes medical marijuana (hint: sounds like ZUZZKILL), but who can be counted on to support the cause? Here are the five prototypes whose Venn diagrams intersect at “Probably Friends With Gina” and “Believe Medical Marijuana Should Remain Legal.”
May is here — and with it a slew of spritely college graduates charging into the workforce. New grads, I’d like to help with that transition. College, being a cesspool of ghastly people, is good partial preparation for the ogres you’ll encounter at your new job. The remaining preparation will come from this: Gina’s “New Graduate’s Guide to Awful Co-Workers.” Read it and weep.
What do you get when you spend a lot of time inside bars? Other than alcoholism, you also gain an expert perspective on “bar people.”
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